Fighting

There are so many things I want to say And paint I want to scream so loud that my voice reaches eons into the future I want to break so hard that I have nothing left to break for I want to cry until there’s no tears left to shed I want to let it all out. So I can breathe. And finally step forward. I have this ideal version of me where I can wake up in the morning and have enough time to do everything I want to do. But I know that’s not true. That’s not human. But I will try.

To destroy Oneself in an automatic remission To delude myself into a state of mind Where your life does not matter Where you plans are not real Where you have no other obligations but to exist The need to sleep is evident But the need to live aside from oneself calls louder So I erase myself for a few hours In a task that had nothing to do with my life Except for the time that it charges from the day in order to function later. - BlackFox

What is numbness? Where does it come from? Is it from surviving unpleasant things? Or from being overwhelmed by the to do’s life brings? The cost of living a dream is working And giving everything of yourself to that cause But is it worth it if you lose someone else For your refusal to pause? What does it mean to pursue a dream If in the end you’re living everything By yourself? Is it bad to be so ambitious? To work and work Until the routine gets vicious? But who determine

Drip, A thought goes down a deep, dark, rabbit hole. Drip, There goes another. Drip, There’s no end in sight. Drip, You hear it at the bottom. Drip, There is a splash of previous thoughts gone. Swish, There’s just emptiness, Swirling, Falling into a void. It’s like a vacuum Sucking in what’s left of my sanity. Once there’s a stream, The rest goes with it quite rapidly The clarity of my state of mind starts to dwindle With thought after thought going missing Into the deep dar

My head says get up Stop being a bum You have stuff to do Things to get done My body says no It’s tired and needs rest Though it’s already been lying in bed For hours. Head says "I know you’re tired But the show must go on Keep pursuing your goals You must hold on." Body says "No Fuck the show I’ve worked on and on When does it stop?" "I don’t know," the head says There’s a pause in that thought "We’ve been working for so long But we haven’t reached the end of song." "What’s

What happened today? What happened yesterday? What happened to all the days All the way back to Sunday? We were good Weren’t we? So what happened After that? We had come home We had cleaned up We planned our whole week We updated the calendar We put away clothes We enjoyed the clean Boom. Delirium Back to self sabotage Had a good day Now back to the ticking bomb In my bed In my room In every single aspect Of my impending doom You are not good You are bullshit Everything yo

Perfection in silence alone. I hold my tongue Waiting to atone For all the sin and aggression Happening in my mind alone. Perfection is silence When you want to scream, It is sobriety When you want to drink. Perfection is peace When you want to scream, Your heart over nothing For no reason. Yet it seeps Out of you like a heap Of suffering I want to drink I want to eat And fill the hole inside me I want to yell And fight and scream At the emptiness Around me. But crying sol

I am not your sparrow To sing and chirp when you want me to I do not quiet down when covered I want to sing and fly Dance and scream I want you to love me. I don't want to shut up, I want to speak. And I want you to love me. Look at me like I’m precious Hold me when I’m crying Let me scream my pain into your chest. Let me suffer alone but hold me, Love me. Listen. Hear the heartbreak in my bones and the savagery in my desperation Love me. Let me break down onto your skin Let

Tired is what describes me So close to the finish line Must keep the effort lively Must keep working like I’m fine 2 weeks left is all there is Keep going you’re almost there Don’t fall asleep now Why do you look so weared Down. There is no room for tired No space for lazing around Idc if you only slept 2 hours You must not be how you sound If you give up now You will never live it down All your dreams and hopes Will go up in smoke So get the fuck up Wash your face and go Fi

Why are you feelings validated in my head But mine aren’t? Why don’t I think I can make my pain Fine art? Why do I feel guilty For making decisions that protected me? Why do I still think of you Like you never left me? You left and I made it fine, But I had to leave and I was crying Why do I feel guilty For protecting me? I loved you, And I love you still But for some reason I can’t Remember how you made me feel I think of the way we lived Like nothing you did ever hurt It’s

I have issues That I feel how my hair sits on my shoulders Brushing against it as I pace around my room The warmth that surrounds my head As my arms come up to comfort it, failing The staggering breaths coming from my lungs As I overthink about what I am failing to do The weight of the dread that surrounds me When all I can hear in my head are my own thoughts They drown out everything I’m encased in a feeling of anxiety Like a closing coffin waiting for the nails to be hammer

TW: allusion to assault, self-harm, and self-deleting Rage for those that have screamed inside Rage for those that thought they’d died Rage for those that have broken down and cried Rage for all the times they tried to stay strong while something clawed their insides Rage for those that have been terrified Rage for those that have been traumatized Rage for all the ways we’ve tried to cope Rage for all the times we’ve almost lost hope Rage for all the nightmares we’ve had at n

Loving gentle heart How screwed you must be, To have opened up so much & have so many casualties. Still, you love, don’t you? Loving gentle heart How troubled you must be, To have trusted someone & it broken so easily. Still, you trust, don’t you? Loving gentle heart How scared you must be, To have let someone in & they hurt you so brutally. Still, you speak, don’t you? No. Speak less. Trust less. Love, less. No longer selfless. Loving gentle heart You are still, A loving ge

I will fight for who I am, what I want, and who I want to be. Just as hard as resistance fought to kill me. If ya’ll want you can live through me And hopefully see past the casualties Such as my sanity Taken by tragedies Sacrificed for sanctity Releasing my mind of apathy So I may live happily Onward from tragedies. -- BlackFox

I am tired Of feeling Distressing For multiple reasons That is the life Of a woman traumatized So many times Through every disguise If you keep to yourself They look for you If you express yourself They think love is true If you’re quiet They think you like them If you’re loud They think you want them If you say nothing They’ll continue If you say something That’s all they’ll do Cause they like you And to them that is enough To look past your nonbluff They’ll continue Bot

Fun to gone Here to not All it took Feeling Knot In my chest Hard to breathe Body moves Hard to see Reactions happen on their own Self protection from unknown Dangerous or not, it starts to happen Yet even when I tense, I start laughing. Why? --BlackFox

TW: mention of self-harm It’s 12:04am I didn’t notice I’ve been doing nothing Slightly out of focus. Of course to me Nothing is everything I drive myself mad Overthinking. I work so hard And do so much Have I not earned This time of such? Such of dark And of silence I hear my own thoughts Their voices violent. I cannot bear To hear the screaming While out and about Smiles beaming. My mind scatters My thinking shatters As I contain within myself A battle hard dealt, I deal wit

My heart screams for you. Your memories make my heart full The small moments we took for granted When we watched all the movies And rested under the tree When we slumbered together You made my heart happy I remember thinking As you laid on me How much I’d miss this feeling So close as we breathe Doing nothing unholy Just being and living We loved each other so With simple loves We stayed believing That we needed No deeper meaning But to love so dearly Holding each other

I wanna scream I wanna cry, And I can’t do either. My mind is lost I know the cost It pounds in my head over and over Failure. I am not okay. I don’t know how to be okay. I only know That my worries grow So much they swallow Me whole I. See. Nothing. I don’t know where I am. I feel like a fucking scam. You all look at me and say that I can. Can I? Yes. I can. So why don’t I? Why can’t I just cry? Get it over with and move on. Fly To where I’m supposed to. But I don’t. My mind

You want my hair held back and controlled. You don’t like the way I move so bold. You want me to be respectful and show less. So others won't give into their defect. Because who wouldn’t be attracted to A woman with a strong presence. She must be careful with her words. Her silence is of the essence. -- BlackFox