Dissociative

Drip, A thought goes down a deep, dark, rabbit hole. Drip, There goes another. Drip, There’s no end in sight. Drip, You hear it at the bottom. Drip, There is a splash of previous thoughts gone. Swish, There’s just emptiness, Swirling, Falling into a void. It’s like a vacuum Sucking in what’s left of my sanity. Once there’s a stream, The rest goes with it quite rapidly The clarity of my state of mind starts to dwindle With thought after thought going missing Into the deep dar

What happened today? What happened yesterday? What happened to all the days All the way back to Sunday? We were good Weren’t we? So what happened After that? We had come home We had cleaned up We planned our whole week We updated the calendar We put away clothes We enjoyed the clean Boom. Delirium Back to self sabotage Had a good day Now back to the ticking bomb In my bed In my room In every single aspect Of my impending doom You are not good You are bullshit Everything yo

I need an escape A space of shed tears Where I don’t feel like I still can’t breathe When it’s over I want to sleep Being held Together I’d melt Away into a rest. -- BlackFox

Tired and depersonalized Staring blankly till sunrise Feeling lost already Always unsteady Things to do all the time Working till sunrise Brain going through demise Can’t recognize Anything on time Falling now Closing my eyes Hitting the ground Wanting to cry For tears that never come. For breath that is lost. For time that never ends A life is what it costs. -- BlackFox

I am alone now In this place Within my space Digging my own grave Of dead relationships I stopped fighting for They drained me So much so That I couldn’t live Knowing so How I felt better alone Or so I thought I don’t miss them that much But I kind of wish I’d kept some I didn’t break them all off Just simply stopped replying Stopped complying to just memes Over and over again There was no conversation No time for desolation I was at work I did my shit And relationships Just

There’s a party tonight Come on Let’s go outside There’s no need to hide In your room. You insist it's not good for you But the effort you put in to move Out of the way at all times Hiding from the people like it’s a crime What are you scared of? Why don’t you come? There’s not that many people Stop being so glum You’ve got to have fun Sometimes Take a risk for once You’ll be alright. They’re not gonna hurt you Not all of them are like that There’ll be some drinking Some smo

TW: allusion to assault Heart is screaming Bodies bleeding Mind is reeling Staring blankly He stares back at me Gets closer still Growing apathy Suddenly, nothing “Do what you wish” slump -- BlackFox

Fun to gone Here to not All it took Feeling Knot In my chest Hard to breathe Body moves Hard to see Reactions happen on their own Self protection from unknown Dangerous or not, it starts to happen Yet even when I tense, I start laughing. Why? --BlackFox

TW: mention of self-harm It’s 12:04am I didn’t notice I’ve been doing nothing Slightly out of focus. Of course to me Nothing is everything I drive myself mad Overthinking. I work so hard And do so much Have I not earned This time of such? Such of dark And of silence I hear my own thoughts Their voices violent. I cannot bear To hear the screaming While out and about Smiles beaming. My mind scatters My thinking shatters As I contain within myself A battle hard dealt, I deal wit

Bad decisions Bad decisions The light reflects off the table I am focused on the rainbow I do not belong here We’ll see if the rain goes The smell of beer is in my nose The look itself should keep me on my toes They talk of business for the club I look at the alcohol My will is waning Not bad though, I think. -- BlackFox

As you depart my strength begins to stray All I want is for you to stay It was everything we worked towards okay? It’s tearing me apart Knowing you’ll be gone For al least a whole year I won’t have you to lay on These last days have been a dream And I know it had to end But I really don’t want it to I’ll be missing my boyfriend -- BlackFox

TW: allusion to sexual harassment I am attacked In the place I am weakest What I’ve been through Keeps going though My life Why does this happen Again Over and Over Again I did nothing this time I can't pretend to have played a part I did nothing There was no start I can’t even gaslight myself Into thinking there was There was absolutely nothing No way, shape, or form There was no conversation No observations And when he asked I gave no accommodations Completely unexpected I

Nervous breakdown Such a wreck Scared to think Heart ripped to shreds Paranoia Takes its hold Triggered thinking I start to scold Myself Not knowing What’s real Irrational thinking Does not appeal To me It's annoying I feel my stomach Boiling Inside me Not still Uneasy Not real Overthinking I'm scaring myself Unleashing fury I haven’t felt -- BlackFox

Ain’t feel too well Ain’t sleep too well My work is shit Don’t feel so lit Don’t know where we’re going with this My art is bad It makes me sad My only way To let it out To let it loose I can't do that Not anymore My creative juices Have breached the shore There ain’t no more To let out pour Onto paper And through the pen There’s no more ink There hasn’t been For a while And for the time My precious time Has been unkind I feel so weak Like can’t repeat The memories They stre

I am lost in thought And it’s confusing me My mind is open For all to see For those right in front of me I have blanked out Gone dark No light to see I am walking blindly In a world I do not know In a space that does not show I am lost A headache is what it costs To be open to all the thoughts And whatever comes along Ready or not It’s been unlocked Without my knowledge I am lost I see nothing Yet see it all Don't comprehend But take it all Too big for me Too much to see Yet

How quick I’ve changed From just a few hours ago Have I ruined it Or did it go away on its own? Happy happy no more The hyper little girl is gone Now in her place And anxiety ridden chick Not yet fully gone Not yet off the grid But still kinda bad And pretty close t it Intuition sky high Check in Got firsts right Probably from quiet time Used to breathe And get in tune To look inward And outward to you But what am I saying It makes no sense I want my boyfriend I’m on the fen

written Mar. 1, 2022 I drew something Supposed to work today I drew something In such a way What is it Who knows I’m lost It shows I drew today In such a way Supposed to work today When I drew I grew entranced All around the page My pen had danced Not just pictures There were words too I wrote down things I never knew Surprising things All scattered across Unknown to me With anger and loss These words and pictures Come out of me A voice unknown That came to be A voice I thou

written Feb. 25, 2022 Feeling gone. It’s a long con, I guess. I’m fine though, Don’t wanna go. Still though, Not so here. Not so there. Wanna speak But I don’t share. What’s the point? Nothing’s wrong Just listening To the sad songs, Again. Don’t feel the same, Nothing to gain, But there they are anyway. Still, it speaks. -- BlackFox

written Sep. 30, 2021 Big slam High speaker Loud noise So hurtful, My ears It destroys Noise Loud and sudden Hitting like a kill button Play too high Make me cry Wanna die Feel so weak Like some freak Covered ears Many fears People stare Shock they share They’re confused Some amused Do it again Make me lose Focus Clarity Gone like that One loud noise Can stop the chat Head down Hair in face Feeling of hurt You can’t erase Calm fasade Has been defaced Feel displaced Out of spa

written Dec. 12, 2020 TW: This poem alludes to sexual assault There was a girl who lost her keys She felt so weak Brought to her knees Oh so precious were those keys They didn’t open her car door Nor did they belong to her house Oh she fell so silent You could hear a feeding mouse Her keys were gone She felt so ill She laid down there And laid so still She lost the keys to her soul Her key values Her key roots All the things she used to use Now they’re gone Taken away By on