Validation

Why are you feelings validated in my head

But mine aren’t?

Why don’t I think I can make my pain

Fine art?

Why do I feel guilty

For making decisions that protected me?

Why do I still think of you

Like you never left me?

You left and I made it fine,

But I had to leave and I was crying

Why do I feel guilty

For protecting me?

I loved you,

And I love you still

But for some reason I can’t

Remember how you made me feel

I think of the way we lived

Like nothing you did ever hurt

It’s hard to think 

That some of the best moments of my life,

Were cursed.

You helped me heal

You helped me deal

You told me you loved me

And validated how I feel

I needed you and you were there

Until the moment you didn’t care

I was there for you even when you weren’t 

I mourned the loss of you when you left me hurt

I almost went crazy trying to believe

That you never did anything to me

But I knew the truth, now confirmed

It was our future YOU burned

I wanted us to be happy

Even though you hurt me so badly

But the tables turned 

And I couldn’t be happy

I hated myself for needing anyone else

I avoided everyone else

I couldn't talk to anyone

Because I thought it’d be cheating

I couldn’t be close with anyone 

Because I thought it’d mean you leaving

For good.

And I never understood how it could come so easy

To do something with no meaning

With acts further destroying the already damaged

So bad that it could not be salvaged

I can reason your actions out of being awful

But the fact that you lied to me was shockful.

You were okay thinking I believed

That you never did anything

Living a lie for months on end

With a message in your head you never planned to send.

That hurt.

And yet, I still think of your words

I knew. And I didn’t do anything

Because I needed you so badly

And I know, that no one will ever understand me

Like you did. And it stabs at me

I thought we had a future where I could be happy

I was so fucking stupid.

You left me.

You wronged me.

So why do I feel guilty?

I didn’t have self-respect then

I was too broken

But now I’ve realized

I must keep my options open

And get close to no one.

Because I reason out everything

And that is a dangerous thing

When I am a broken thing.

No one shall see that part of me again

No one will ever understand why I am so broken.

Those who did, are no longer here

As long as they stay away, I have nothing to fear.

-- BlackFox