It's 12:04am

TW: mention of self-harm

It’s 12:04am

I didn’t notice

I’ve been doing nothing

Slightly out of focus.

Of course to me

Nothing is everything

I drive myself mad

Overthinking.

I work so hard

And do so much

Have I not earned

This time of such?

Such of dark

And of silence

I hear my own thoughts

Their voices violent.

I cannot bear

To hear the screaming

While out and about

Smiles beaming.

My mind scatters

My thinking shatters

As I contain within myself

A battle hard dealt,

I deal with it personally

Behind many shadows

No one shall know

How bad the lows

Have gotten.

To know such things

Would mean death

To kill a person

When out of their depth,

No one shall know,

No one shall worry,

How visions are blurry

When the fight has fury.

The mind is attacked

The body still intact

Till the battle spills out

Through hand, or mouth.

The noise can be heard in the mad.

The shakes can be felt in the anxious.

The worries only voiced well

When spilled or spit out on canvas.

Take the paint and open the book,

Draw it in black and show what it took,

To become who you are today;

Then hide it all and lock it away

Because no one must know 

How truly broken you are

They’ll use it to their advantage

Maybe it’s good they see no scars

Maybe it’s good that you left no marks

Maybe it's good that you’ve healed so far

On your own, mostly for you

Without much help of people that used you.

To trust is a scary thing

One wrong move

Is all it takes to swing

For the past to come back and sting

You must be well

Show feeling

And healing

Who cares if it’s just a show not tell

Sell yourself.

But what if I don’t want to sell

The perfect version of me

Of the girl who overcame these things

Who healed so well

No one sees the fight

When the scarring is inside

Try as I might

I cannot help but hide

Even when the wounds

Come up to the surface

They appear only in places

That won’t make me nervous

That or they show in other ways

That aren’t questioned

So carefully placed

To not make a show

I fight valiantly

And lose sometimes

It’s satisfying though

What I find

A bruise here or there

A tapestry of cuts

I aim to stop soon

But the pain is too much 

Sometimes

And though it may seem deranged

I may find pleasure in the change

Of mentality or physicality

Because though no on sees,

I do.

I can see the fruit of my battles

I can see there is a fight

I am not being drained for nothing

There is something to spite

I am fighting

A battle not seen

But I am winning

In certain things

I may not be healthy in dealing

But I am definitely healing

Making bad choices is a part of the process

Who cares if I’m drinking

I am not out of control

I am aware of consequences

I can see the results

I am using my senses

Let me make mistakes

Let me break

And leave me alone

I will call you

When I am ready to atone

For my sins.

But for now,

Let me live.

-- BlackFox