Insanity in Written Form

There are so many things I want to say And paint I want to scream so loud that my voice reaches eons into the future I want to break so hard that I have nothing left to break for I want to cry until there’s no tears left to shed I want to let it all out. So I can breathe. And finally step forward. I have this ideal version of me where I can wake up in the morning and have enough time to do everything I want to do. But I know that’s not true. That’s not human. But I will try.

To destroy Oneself in an automatic remission To delude myself into a state of mind Where your life does not matter Where you plans are not real Where you have no other obligations but to exist The need to sleep is evident But the need to live aside from oneself calls louder So I erase myself for a few hours In a task that had nothing to do with my life Except for the time that it charges from the day in order to function later. - BlackFox

What is numbness? Where does it come from? Is it from surviving unpleasant things? Or from being overwhelmed by the to do’s life brings? The cost of living a dream is working And giving everything of yourself to that cause But is it worth it if you lose someone else For your refusal to pause? What does it mean to pursue a dream If in the end you’re living everything By yourself? Is it bad to be so ambitious? To work and work Until the routine gets vicious? But who determine

TW: allusion to SA I will never forgive you For what you’ve done to me Because no matter what I say when I’m sober I will always be screaming Inside my mind is captive by the hole you left when you first decided to defile me. My body hurts with every touch that reminds me that you were there Every whiff I get of you makes me turn around in awareness of danger Even if you’re not really there The body remembers What the mind doesn’t dare To file in its memory When you were

Drip, A thought goes down a deep, dark, rabbit hole. Drip, There goes another. Drip, There’s no end in sight. Drip, You hear it at the bottom. Drip, There is a splash of previous thoughts gone. Swish, There’s just emptiness, Swirling, Falling into a void. It’s like a vacuum Sucking in what’s left of my sanity. Once there’s a stream, The rest goes with it quite rapidly The clarity of my state of mind starts to dwindle With thought after thought going missing Into the deep dar

God gave me a gift And then sabotaged it I chased after it And it burned. God made sure I could see values God made sure I’d marvel at his creations God gave me a pencil to start with And I drew without cessation. God made sure I could see color God made sure I’d try to recreate them God gave me a paintbrush to start with And I painted mayhem. But God had a plan He saw his child dancing with joy At finding a purpose in life He made it a lesson. See God knew that when I drew A

My head says get up Stop being a bum You have stuff to do Things to get done My body says no It’s tired and needs rest Though it’s already been lying in bed For hours. Head says "I know you’re tired But the show must go on Keep pursuing your goals You must hold on." Body says "No Fuck the show I’ve worked on and on When does it stop?" "I don’t know," the head says There’s a pause in that thought "We’ve been working for so long But we haven’t reached the end of song." "What’s

TW: violent and graphic language, mention of violence, SA, and CSA As a woman, I have less rights than a corpse, whose organs they can’t take unless consented to before. So if I was SA’d, i probably just regret it, and those clothes were just asking for That man will most likely only spend a day in court If it even gets that far, “we wouldn’t want his life to fall apart.” As a woman I am treated worse as a human than a dying person with a donor card Unless there's a fetus in

What happened today? What happened yesterday? What happened to all the days All the way back to Sunday? We were good Weren’t we? So what happened After that? We had come home We had cleaned up We planned our whole week We updated the calendar We put away clothes We enjoyed the clean Boom. Delirium Back to self sabotage Had a good day Now back to the ticking bomb In my bed In my room In every single aspect Of my impending doom You are not good You are bullshit Everything yo

Little things matter To me. I don’t care for much. I watch things pass. Letting them last However long they want to. I’ve looked through the past Scoured through All the memories I’ve had to Look more than twice at. What once moved me To my feet Or too my knees Has no longer that effect On me. Maybe it’s the work of time, Or my consciousness moving on. Regardless. The things that haunted me, Don’t, anymore. I feel I’ve looked back too long. Still walking those halls, Pa

I am stupid because I am safe Darling I must ask You, to forgive me When you are near I forget me. When I see you My eyes soften When you’re near me My smile peaks through I feel better Around you I feel calmer And breathe easier Too Darling forgive me For I forget myself When I’m with you. -- BlackFox

Those eyes Hiding in plain sight Watching you at your side As you move We are in tune Watching you at your side I miss you. You live and work and walk You move and breathe and talk You smile and play and lock your eyes with mine You come by And stay at my side You sacrifice Your time To intertwine Yours with mine. I love you. You live you life apart from mine Yet make room to love me. Like I’m an important aspect Of your reality. So I lay my eyes on you As you do what you w

Perfection in silence alone. I hold my tongue Waiting to atone For all the sin and aggression Happening in my mind alone. Perfection is silence When you want to scream, It is sobriety When you want to drink. Perfection is peace When you want to scream, Your heart over nothing For no reason. Yet it seeps Out of you like a heap Of suffering I want to drink I want to eat And fill the hole inside me I want to yell And fight and scream At the emptiness Around me. But crying sol

I am not your sparrow To sing and chirp when you want me to I do not quiet down when covered I want to sing and fly Dance and scream I want you to love me. I don't want to shut up, I want to speak. And I want you to love me. Look at me like I’m precious Hold me when I’m crying Let me scream my pain into your chest. Let me suffer alone but hold me, Love me. Listen. Hear the heartbreak in my bones and the savagery in my desperation Love me. Let me break down onto your skin Let

Tired is what describes me So close to the finish line Must keep the effort lively Must keep working like I’m fine 2 weeks left is all there is Keep going you’re almost there Don’t fall asleep now Why do you look so weared Down. There is no room for tired No space for lazing around Idc if you only slept 2 hours You must not be how you sound If you give up now You will never live it down All your dreams and hopes Will go up in smoke So get the fuck up Wash your face and go Fi

I am okay. That is not something I thought I would ever say, with peace. Maybe I am numb. But at this point in time, I am not in pieces. I think that is good. I am breathing. I am working. And soon, I am leaving. I am going to a place that will embrace my potential. A place, just semi confidential. For me, this is essential. As an artist I will get my credentials. I am excited for the coming start. Starting goodbyes even now. Little by little I am retreating. I want to leave

I need an escape A space of shed tears Where I don’t feel like I still can’t breathe When it’s over I want to sleep Being held Together I’d melt Away into a rest. -- BlackFox

Red hair Black boots Black bag Grey suit He sleeps on the bus Next to the man with heart eyes Sitting up right Or at least attempting to Dozing off he’s shaken awake He lets the lull of continuous buzzing Doze him back into place A place of mid-sleep Where one can hear and feel But cannot see Legs and arms crossed He is slightly unbalanced Swaying with the vehicle His mind entranced By sleep Attempting to stay awake He is failing quite adorably. -- BlackFox

Why are you feelings validated in my head But mine aren’t? Why don’t I think I can make my pain Fine art? Why do I feel guilty For making decisions that protected me? Why do I still think of you Like you never left me? You left and I made it fine, But I had to leave and I was crying Why do I feel guilty For protecting me? I loved you, And I love you still But for some reason I can’t Remember how you made me feel I think of the way we lived Like nothing you did ever hurt It’s

I am dancing in a sea of music The melody lulls and persuades me I don’t want to leave My priorities call out to me But the music yells louder I want to keep dancing And get lost to the beating Of my own heart As it flutters with every step I take More and more. I don’t want to stop. In the back of my mind I know what to do But I feel blindfolded to only see What’s right in front of me The music grows louder But it doesn’t hurt me It fills my lungs And tickles my skin I want