Fighting

Estoy cansada Mal pensada Con dolor Falta de amor No quiero mas No tengo paz Quiero estar sola Como me siento Eso pienso Quiero dormir Y sentir descanso Pero no siento nada Solo me canso. -- BlackFox

I sleep now The time my mind will allow Time is not consistent No help from assistants No allergy pills or melatonin Can’t make up for oxytocin I’m missing my relaxing To think so much is taxing I’m fading within myself Breathing is hard felt It’s hard to face Something you want to erase From your mind And your memories It all comes back Soul breaking melodies. -- BlackFox

I saved myself But I cannot pretend that I was not helped. Here was one man, one boy there. Who happened to be there for me to care I saw him in sadness And internally wept of joy I found a way out Through a manner so coy It might have been wrong But I did not care I said nothing For I did not dare To lose such hope By telling the truth To be left alone My neck in a noose At that party I spoke with him Left him calm My chances slim Little by little I got to know him And littl

I am in this new place And I am doing all right I could thrive But I hesitate. Why? I am in a good place I am in a light phase I am in a believing way That I can. Do everything. I set my mind to. I know what I must do. I know what it will come to. I must sacrifice nothing overly important. So why? Do I. Still.. Hesitate. Why must I wait? For something that’s been on my plate For years? Longing for me to take the bait. Still, I wait. -- BlackFox

Let me be Let me go We are not friends Anymore I set boundaries You crossed them all Allowed a chance Let one wall fall That was enough for you To think that you could do What you did Pull me closer Than need be I’m not comfortable Can’t you see? Of course you can You know quite well You’ve seen, And admitted yourself I am visually expressive Equally distressive I look away Will not be swayed You watch and look From 2 inches away Why so close? Let me go This is wrong It’s

I miss you lover boy. You are not my 3am thoughts. You are my every day when I replay All the times you chose to stay. -- BlackFox

Goodnight to the brown haired boy Who ignores me every hour To not bug him more, Takes quite a lot of power Hearing the silence, I want to yell louder. I am here for you boy And I always will be And I will wait here for you Until you are ready. -- BlackFox

Nervous breakdown Such a wreck Scared to think Heart ripped to shreds Paranoia Takes its hold Triggered thinking I start to scold Myself Not knowing What’s real Irrational thinking Does not appeal To me It's annoying I feel my stomach Boiling Inside me Not still Uneasy Not real Overthinking I'm scaring myself Unleashing fury I haven’t felt -- BlackFox

I feel sad A bit bad Feel cold A little bold I miss him and his voice I wanna cry, but I can’t.. Feel sad, but just can’t. I’m just tired Just want hugs Make me cry My heart tugs It longs to cling to you Not knowing you might be through With me With love With all our little things My heart It tugs It pulls It stings It can’t be left alone With all this weakness shown It’s scared It’s desperate My heart You left it In pieces All scattered My brain All shattered He broke it a

One problem after another. They all climb over each other. All mixing together becoming a monster Of treachery and disheartened souls. It’s draining to be around But I can’t get away from the sound Of anger and rage Or the voice on the verge of tears It tears at my heart The sound of my family Being in crisis Scaring me actually. Because usually it’s in my friends And within myself But rarely at home It almost never shows. My brother’s rage and despair My father’s silence im

Ain’t feel too well Ain’t sleep too well My work is shit Don’t feel so lit Don’t know where we’re going with this My art is bad It makes me sad My only way To let it out To let it loose I can't do that Not anymore My creative juices Have breached the shore There ain’t no more To let out pour Onto paper And through the pen There’s no more ink There hasn’t been For a while And for the time My precious time Has been unkind I feel so weak Like can’t repeat The memories They stre

How quick I’ve changed From just a few hours ago Have I ruined it Or did it go away on its own? Happy happy no more The hyper little girl is gone Now in her place And anxiety ridden chick Not yet fully gone Not yet off the grid But still kinda bad And pretty close t it Intuition sky high Check in Got firsts right Probably from quiet time Used to breathe And get in tune To look inward And outward to you But what am I saying It makes no sense I want my boyfriend I’m on the fen

Imposter Syndrome. It’s a tricky thing You smile and laugh, But inside you sting. You hide away from those who see your outside And sometimes yourself, in order to survive. What is this feeling? This feeling of dread The life is good You are not dead. Sure, you’re falling apart You throw up your pain And call it art It’s dark inside, But outside you’re light, You deserve this pain happiness That comes your way But why Why is the dark still dark? Sure there are stars that s

written Jun. 6, 2022 I have spoken. Not to a friend, nor to my lover. I have spoken to him. I have spoken, finally, to the one who created such horrible memories. How funny that we only remember the bad, and sometimes not even that. How funny that we have both forgotten different details. Was he correct, or was I? How funny that he is human. How funny that he is a son, a brother, a friend, a boy. And yet, it is hard to believe. Black and White actions exist only in movie

written May. 5, 2021 Oh how bad is my luck Once again left dumbstruck I thought I was better I thought I was safe But as it turns out Everyone makes mistakes Again I’ve been brought To a state of unease This worry is back Like a fighting disease He made a mistake And it brought me to shock It brought me to tears And caused me to rock It was a hard hit How unexpected it came And when he realized what happened It brought him to shame He did something That reminded me Of every

written Dec. 1, 2020 For all the times I am chastised or ridiculed, I shall remain like stone. I shall remain silent but unbroken. I shall shed no tears and show no pain, for I am strong. I will always be strong. -- BlackFox

written May 26, 2020 This isn’t a game, This isn’t a trick. People all over Are getting really sick. There’s pandemonium everywhere. This problem isn’t small, And your true ignorance Doesn’t cease to appall. This pandemic is serious, You must get it through your head. Please, It can’t all be filled with lead! All these cards are bad, A bad hand we’ve been dealt. Now is pure unease, What many have felt. The world had changed, People challenged death. Now we can get close to it

written Apr. 25, 2020 Don’t drown. As much as they tug, as much as you wish to let go, don’t. Don’t bring your head underwater, or it will never come back up. The pond may look shallow but it’s not the depth you should be afraid of. -- BlackFox

Mar. 29, 2020 Alone you are again, In this endless hole. Now in place of the biggest flame, Is but just a burning coal. It must burn again, Stronger than before, Reaching the heart, And burning the core. But how must that be When all light has been lost? When there is no fuel, And no supply to exhaust? There is no hope When you are alone. You cannot make an action That you cannot condone. It’s hard to get up When you’re chained to the ground,

written Mar. 23, 2020 (Disclaimer: this poem is about drinking and is much longer than most because it was created soon after the situation occurred with more thought and emotion present in the matter) Why am I the reason, That they are drunk? It’s happened before, And it really fuckin stunk. It’s always hard, It’s always hard to know, That you’re the reason That your friend has gotten so low. You fucked him up, Now you deal with the pain. Of seeing him And all the cans he’s